Ep 76: 5 Ways to Communicate Better with Your Spouse
February 16, 2021

As high-achieving physician leaders, our days (and many times, our nights) are filled with opportunities to communicate with patients, family members, staff, and colleagues. By the time we reach home, we are mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted. Unfortunately, after a busy day in the hospital, communicating with your spouse is not at the top of your mind.

And that can become a problem.

'The way we communicate with others and ourselves ultimately determines the quality of our lives.' -Tony RobbinsClick To Tweet

 

Improving your communication skills in your relationships is a worthwhile pursuit. It’s a skill that needs to be nourished and practiced to have a healthy and happy marriage. There is no greater joy than communicating effectively and lovingly with your partner. As with many things, there are always ways to improve communication with our loved ones. 

Let’s start with the question of WHY? Why is it so important to communicate effectively with your spouse? 

Why Is Communication Important?

Communication Reduces Stress

Strong communication with your partner dramatically reduces stress–especially when life at home and work can sometimes be unpredictable. Strong communication helps address and repair any tension in your home and allows you to talk about challenges existing outside of your home. Whether it’s venting about a bad case at work or processing frustrations related to the relationship, one of the healthiest things a couple can do is to handle negative emotions together. We then look to our partners as the rock we can lean on and the first person we turn to when life gets tough. This creates a sense of trust. At the heart of every healthy relationship is trust. Merriam-Webster defines trust as “assured reliance on the character, ability, strength, or truth of someone or something.” Trust is the belief or confidence that we place toward each other when the world around us doesn’t always make sense. 

Communicating Helps You Learn

Each day with your partner brings brand new thoughts, experiences, hopes, and dreams. With strong and consistent communication, you will continually learn new things about each other and strengthen your bond in so many ways.

How Communication Styles Differ

Before we start talking about communicating better, we first need to understand that each of us has a different communication style. For example, I struggle with outward discussion of feeling where Francesca, my wife, has absolutely no problem with this. I am more reserved, whereas she is more extroverted and talkative. Recognize that your partner’s communication may be (and very often is) different than yours. Effective communication with your partner will begin when you first recognize and acknowledge this. 

How to Communicate Better

Set Aside Time to Talk

Our schedules are hectic and sometimes unpredictable but scheduling a 30-minute weekly meeting with your significant other will pay you untold dividends in your relationship with your spouse and your well-being (both personally and professionally).

Make it part of your weekly schedule, so it doesn’t get missed. These weekly meetings have been a great time to communicate and connect with my wife. They provide us with an uninterrupted and dedicated time together to look at what we did the prior week and look toward a successful and productive week ahead.

Sometimes you’ll want to address something immediately rather than wait. My wife, Francesca, and I have committed to each other to address any conflict in real-time and then put it away. We resolve the issue entirely and never go to bed angry-NOT even one time. We do this, so that past hurts are not used as “ammunition” for current disagreements.

Be a Good Listener

'The biggest relationship problem is we do not listen to understand. We listen to reply. '-Stephen CoveyClick To Tweet

As a loving partner, you need to listen deeply. Whether it’s something minor about your day or a deeper issue, listen with attentiveness and empathy. Resist the urge to jump in with a solution because, more times than not, he or she is not looking for a solution rather an ear to listen. 

Be Present

Being present means more than just being physically present. It means being engaged and connected with your spouse. This means no phones, no television in the background, no open laptop. Your partner should feel that they are the number one priority and that you are giving them your full and undivided attention. 

Communicating During Conflict

What happens when an issue arises, and you want to confront your partner? How do you discuss a sensitive topic while avoiding an argument?

1. Start the Conversation Gently

Dr. John Gottman is a world-renowned psychologist for his work on marital stability and has conducted 40 years of research with thousands of couples. In his 1999 study, Predicting Divorce among Newlyweds from the First Three Minutes of a Marital Conflict, Gottman found that “96% of the time, you can predict the outcome of a conversation based on the first three minutes of the interaction.” He also found that people in healthy and happy relationships are gentle in their approach towards conflict. They approach a topic with a soft start, so they don’t put their partner on the defensive. This makes the first few sentences of a conversation extremely important. How can we begin with a gentle approach? Start with the following tips.

2. Start with “I” instead of “You.”

During conflict, using “I” allows you to take responsibility and focus on how you’re feeling. “I” statements are less critical than starting with “You.” The word “You,” depending on the context, can sound accusatory, immediately putting your partner on the defense. 

Example:

  • Accusatory: You are always working. You never make time for me.
  • Softer: I feel lonely. I would really like to spend more time with you. 

3. Describe what is Happening Without Adding Judgment.

Resist the urge to criticize, judge, or analyze. If speaking without judgment when you have an issue is hard for you, a great trick is to describe what you see as if you were a movie camera. This keeps the tone respectful and avoids any unnecessary negativity. 

4. Talk Clearly about What You Need

Healthy communication requires a layer of honesty. Tiptoeing around an issue creates confusion. The other person often creates a narrative in their mind on what they think you are trying to express. Effective communication calls for being direct and honest, so you don’t have to be a mind reader and make assumptions about what you don’t know.

It’s also important to ask for what you want in a way that protects the relationship. The best way to communicate this is by saying things politely and respectfully. Examples include, “I’d appreciate it if you would… “or, “It would be helpful if you could…” Close with an appreciation statement like, “This will really help me out.”

5. Look Ahead With a Team Mentality

'A great marriage is born the moment a husband and wife decide to stop fighting against each other and to start fighting for each other.'-Dave & Ashley WillisClick To Tweet

 View your partnership with a team mentality rather than the “me vs. you” mentality.

Strive to communicate daily and resolve conflict in a way that serves to unite and help strengthen your bond. Use conflict as a catalyst to improve your relationships, increase understanding, trust and create a deeper connection. Remember your shared goals and the outcomes that we value most, which is to walk this journey together-hand in hand, side by side rather than back to back.

Isn’t it about time?

Start Today! Use the tips above to get you started on your journey. 

Until next time, be good to yourself and each other.

I am Here to Help

My mission is to give you the courage and the tools needed to help you learn, grow, and prosper in the important areas of your life-personally and professionally. If you are looking to get started and begin your journey toward wellness, click HERE. I have a free 3 Video Series to walk you through the first steps on this wonderful adventure. Join hundreds of other doctors and nurses who had the courage and permitted themselves to deserve a better life. Let’s walk this journey together. Click HERE to start now.

Yes, you can succeed at home and work. All it takes is intent and a mentor to walk with you. If you provide the first, I will give the second. Let’s get started.

Until next time, be good to yourself and each other.

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About Dr. Harry Karydes
Success Mentor For High-Achieving Healthcare Professionals
If you are like most high achievers, you’re already a focused and self-motivated individual. You’re devoted to healing your patients–and doing it quickly. But you’re looking for more. You’re looking for a lifetime of success in your personal and your professional life. I help busy professionals by creating habits that peak performers use every day. My mission is to give you the courage and the tools to learn, grow and thrive in the important areas of your life. To live a life of focus and balance. Yes, you can succeed at work and at home. All it takes is the intent and a mentor to walk with you. If you provide the first, I will provide the second. Let’s get started.
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