Admitting that you are wrong is never easy. It can be difficult and scary to face your wrongs, but a heartfelt and sincere apology can go a long way in mending relationships and encouraging forgiveness.
On the other hand, sometimes “I’m sorry” comes too quickly for us. As doctors, we tend to be “people-pleasers” and apologize for things that are clearly not our fault. We say sorry for things that we have no control.
Examples of saying sorry for things we can’t control are:
- Apologizing for being hurt when someone offends us
- Apologizing when someone bumps into you
- Apologizing for sneezing
- Apologizing for apologizing
You get the idea.
The Harm of Over-Apologizing
Your Team Respects you Less
Aside from being annoying, when you continuously apologize, you lose authenticity. Your credibility and your team will respect you less. This is no different than over-complementing. You may think that you are sincere and a good leader but, in reality, it shows your lack of confidence. It’s ineffective and insincere.
Further, as a leader in your group or organization, saying sorry constantly when things are not your fault puts you in an inherently submissive position. Are you unintentionally seeking approval?
It Lowers your Self-Esteem
Needlessly, apologizing for innocuous things whittles away at your confidence. Maja Jovanovic, a sociology professor at McMaster University, mentions that “apologies have become our habitual way of communicating.”
In a TED Talk, Jovanovic shares that “if you’re beginning and ending your sentences with ‘I’m sorry,’ don’t be surprised if there’s nothing left of your confidence at the end of the day.” They make us feel less assured and less confident.
You Lose Authencity
For times when you are wrong, you must offer a sincere and heartfelt apology–no exceptions. But, when saying “I’m sorry” for every little thing then your apologies carry little weight. Your apologies become diluted.
Additionally, continually apologizing lessens the strength of your future apologies. The recipient may question your sincerity.
3 Ways to Stop Over-Apologizing
Recognize that you are Doing It
Being self-aware is the first step in stopping the people-pleasing action of over-apologizing.
Dr. Tara Swart, a neuroscientist and leadership coach, explains “apologizing when we have done something wrong is a real strength, but compulsive apologizing presents as a weakness at work and in personal relationships.”
Many times we are doing this throughout the day, and we don’t even realize it. Be mindful of your conversation and your emails. Before you reflexively say “I’m sorry” take a second and pause. Take a quick breath and pause before speaking.
Say “Thank You” rather than “I’m Sorry.”
Sometimes a thank you is needed rather than an apology. “I’m sorry” may be a nervous tic when in reality, you need to change the script in your mind. Rather than saying, “I’m sorry to complain…” say “Thank you for listening.”
Rather than saying “I’m sorry to interrupt” say, “I would like to add” or “another way to look at this is…” Having the discipline to do this will take time but be confident and intentional in this, and it will come naturally to you over time.
Accept that you Are Not Perfect
Embrace your imperfections. It’s OK. None of us are perfect. Being intentional in improving and growing is the key to your wellness–personally and professionally. Become comfortable with saying “no” rather than saying “I’m sorry.”
You can’t be all things to all people. Rather than trying to be perfect and apologizing for all things will get you nowhere. Rather than saying sorry to a request made, thank the person but say no. It may be uncomfortable at first, but it is incredibly freeing to gain the confidence to do this. You’ll be happier for it.
The next time you are tempted to say “I’m sorry” take a moment to pause and reflect if an apology is necessary. Did you make a mistake? If so, own it and offer a sincere apology. More times than not, if you reflect on all the apologies you made throughout the day, you will realize that it was reflexive. Going forward, save the “I’m sorry” for times that are needed.
Until the next time, be kind to yourself and each other.
Be well.
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